Mom
by Kaitipoola
Summary: My second peice, a really long character study on Esme. Contains a brief outline of the story from Esme's POV. Not my best work, it was kind of a calming project. Read and review anyway please.


Mom

Being a mother has always come easily to me, of course because of the child I had—and lost—before I was changed. I've never had any problem with loving or showing affection, or telling people how much I care.

But just loving your children isn't enough; you have to parent them as well.

This is always the hard part.

How can you be a parent to five vampires? How can you comfort them and support them when their abilities are one hundred times the norm of our world? How can you share your wisdom with your children when they are immortal?

With those unanswered questions, it's hard to take your duties as a mother so seriously.

Carlisle said something of the same sort to me about being a father to Edward once, when I was a newly changed vampire. He also told me it was even harder than it should be with his son because he could read minds—so everything that you told him, he already knew. Everything that you had to teach him, he had already taught himself.

It's been decades now, but I've never forgotten what he said. Nor have I forgotten the pity I felt for Edward then: I feel it still.

I've always been so worried about Edward—even before our coven had seen Rosalie and Emmett, or Alice and Jasper, I could feel his loneliness. When Rosalie was presented to us, I was so happy for him. So happy that he would feel what Carlisle and I shared.

But Edward told us quickly that he harbored no feelings for Rosalie other than that of a brother. I figured it out soon enough: he had looked inside her mind and not been satisfied with what he saw.

For a time, I felt the same pity for both of my children. But then Rose found Emmett, and the problem was Edward once again.

Even as Alice and Jasper joined our family, Edward assured Carlisle and I that he was perfectly content with his life, and found nothing lacking. He said that he was happy for all of us, not jealous at all. I believed him, but I still worried about him.

So did Alice.

And then Isabella Swan came along. Bella.

The first day of another school year, one as uneventful as the last…Edward meets Carlisle at the hospital, swaps cars with him. And then, with very little explanation, my eldest son is on his way to Denali.

Gone.

We all looked to Alice for the explanation, but she said nothing. And Carlisle said it was no use asking Jasper anything, because lately he never left their room and he seldom spoke.

I mourned the absence of my son: Jasper's calming waves and even Carlisle's soothing words did little for me. But one day Alice told me that Edward was coming back.

I waited patiently from then on. I knew that he would return eventually, and as long as he was coming back, then I could continue hunting and washing clothes and meticulously cleaning the house in peace.

He came a few weeks later, and finally we were enlightened. Edward told us about this Bella girl, and how he reacted to her blood.

We were all sympathetic towards him, Emmett most of all, but we didn't know what was to be done about this problem.

And then.

Edward did the unthinkable. He saved the very human whose blood he lusted after, shocking us all. And the girl knew, she saw enough to tell her that he was _different._

Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper were all for killing the girl, but Edward vehemently refused this idea for some reason. Carlisle and Alice backed him up, and I told him to do whatever he had to do in order to stay in this family. I couldn't lose him again.

In the end we decided that Edward would be able o resist, but that he must avoid her at all costs. He agreed to this, and the next few days few days were nondescript.

But we started noticing that Edward wasn't around as much as usual. He began to seem frustrated and confused when he came home from school, and he kept to his room even more than usual. Finally curiosity overpowered prudence, and I asked him what was wrong.

Edward told me that he had begun to watch the girl, and that it had nothing to do with his thirst for her blood. He felt strangely interested in this Bella Swan, strangely concerned in her safety and happiness, strangely jealous of all those hormone-crazy teens that had asked her out to the school dance. He told me how much it frustrated him to be in so little control of his emotions, and that he thought he might be falling in love with her.

When Edward asked me for advice, the first time he had ever done so, I was shocked. Automatically, I told him to see how the girl reacted to _him_, to talk to Bella if he wanted to. He was unsure whether to take my advice or not, and I told him it was his decision.

Edward did take my advice. Once he realized that his feelings for Bella were reciprocated, he started spending time with her. Apparently, students at school were under the impression that they were dating. In a way, they were.

Carlisle and Rosalie, though with very different approaches, constantly reminded him that he must control his bloodlust, or put the whole family in danger.

I felt pity swell in me once more for Edward, but this time it was tinged with pleasure. I was overjoyed that he had finally found a potential mate.

But all the while, there were two huge problems presenting themselves to Carlisle and I:

Bella Swan is a human.

Edward longs to drink Bella Swan's blood.

But what could we do? If we made his decisions for him, Edward would hate us for eternity—literally. So we waited to see how things would turn out, and I couldn't imagine that things would end badly. How could God take love away from Edward—sweet Edward, who had lived without it so long?

So he took Bella home to meet us…I couldn't believe how brave she was, to face a coven of vampires alone like that. Edward had told me that she was special, but that was when I began to believe it. And I vowed, right then, that no matter what happened, I would make things easier for Isabella Swan. I would take care of her.

And when James' coven of three crossed our territory later that day, I was faced with the opportunity to do just that: take care of her. Rose and I marked Victoria while the others took care of this James. Once again, I was proven that Bella was above the normal human share in courage. I knew now that Bella had to love Edward, else she wouldn't risk everything for him: her family, her life.

And afterwards, when I learned how Edward had denied his thirst to save her, I was sure that things would turn out right. Edward and Bella loved each other, what else could matter? Bella stayed at our house often¸ and Carlisle and I began to think of her as our daughter as well, despite Rosalie's protests.

I saw the changes in Edward's countenance: he was less lonely, more outgoing; he spent time with his brothers and sisters, he talked to Carlisle and I. His eyes, even when dark with thirst, held the sparkle of a man in love.

And then, on Bella's birthday, Jasper made a mistake, sending our whole world spinning upside down. I remember the talk with Edward, the journey to Denali, that I would have cried if I could.

Edward had left Bella. We all knew that something of this sort might happen eventually; either Bella would be changed, Bella would die, or Edward would leave her.

But I never thought the inevitable would come so soon! My family had been so happy!

Jasper was inconsolable. Edward had told him it wasn't his fault, but my youngest son wouldn't be convinced. He had thought of Bella as his little sister, he told me, and now he had lost both her _and _Edward. He knew from Edward's emotions that he was preparing to leave.

None of us ever thought to blame Jasper: he couldn't help what he was.

We didn't try to stop Edward from leaving, either. We knew we couldn't stop him.

But now, two of my children were gone. I had never considered losing Edward as well as Bella.

We all dealt with our grief in different ways: Carlisle found a job at a hospital east of Denali, and threw himself into his work. I took up drawing again, and Tanya always found her house in a state of perfection. I couldn't help cleaning, it calmed me down.

Emmett and Rose hunted constantly, and were otherwise found in their room doing things that no one else wanted to see. Alice and Jasper could also usually be found in their room, but instead talking, listening to music or reading in each other's arms.

Everyone was quieter now, and though months passed by, everything was the same.

Then: the news. I heard it from Rose, who said Alice had gone to Forks after having a vision of Bella jumping off a cliff. She seemed _happy _about it!

Rosalie had long been very smug about the Edward-leaving-Bella thing, announcing she had known this would happen all along, that it was just the nature of things.

Carlisle and I had endured in stoic silence, but this time I just couldn't take it. My grief erupted into anger, and I remember boiling over as I never had before. I usually never raise my voice, so my shouting came as a shock to Rosalie. She fled.

That was when she got the phone call.

Vampire though I am, the events that followed are blurred over in my memory.

BellaAliveEdwardVolturiRosaliePhonecallBellaAlicePlaneItaly_Save him!_

Out of my mind with worry—Carlisle trying to calm me, but I can feel his panic. My son, he mumbles over and over.

My son.

Jasper is frantic, trying to call Alice. Rosalie is hysterical with guilt, Emmett is furious at her. I don't talk to anyone but Carlisle, I wait for something to happen.

Then: relief.

Jasper explained to everyone what had happened. Alice and Bella made it to Volterra just in time for Bella to stop Edward. They had met with Aro, but been released on the condition that Bella became a vampire.

All of us thought this solved the problem of Edward changing Bella: he would have to do it or Bella would be killed.

We went back to Forks immediately to prepare for their arrival, and we were there when they got off the plane. I remember hugging them fiercely: hours ago I had thought I would never see any of them again.

I watched Bella closely then, to see what her reaction to Edward was. Of course, she was seventy five percent asleep, but there were two things that I could discern from her:

Bella is still in love with Edward.

Bella doesn't think Edward loves her.

I could see it all from the reluctance mingling with relief on her face as Edward stroked her hair. But I knew that after they talked, everything would be the same again. The love I felt for my children was stronger than ever as I heard that Bella had forgiven Rose.

The house was incredibly peaceful when we got there. I remember looking at Carlisle, kissing him, and smiling. We were _home. _

Of course our family was surprised when we were visited by Bella and Edward a few days later, in the middle of the night. But when we were all sitting at the table for the vote, I noticed that for the first time, all eight chairs were filled.

I thought, My family is complete.

The rest of my family thinks that I said yes to Bella's changing without thinking, but they were wrong.

Once the voting started, I began thinking. I thought about the way we lived, the way we had to drink blood to survive, the way our instincts were to kill innocent humans. I thought about the way we never died, and what Edward thought about us losing our souls. How could I do this to Bella, sweet Bella?

And then I looked at Carlisle.

I watched his perfect face, brows furrowed in concentration, and I thought about how much I loved him. How much I loved my children, how I would do anything for them. Would I have been as happy as I was now if Carlisle hadn't changed me?

I thought back to that fateful day, the day that I had jumped off the cliff. I remembered thinking that I had no other choice, that it would soon be over anyway, and then I would be happy. As the others voted, I imagined my face crumpling in pain as I hit the ground the first time. The second.

Would I have been so happy as I thought I would be? No, I wouldn't have. I would have never found the one I truly loved, I would have never looked after my children. I would have never felt joy in their triumphs, pain in their struggles.

I would have never been a mom.

I looked back on the past year, how far my son Edward had come. He had been the quiet, all-knowing, taciturn Edward then. Now he was a different Edward, one that saw his own faults and accepted them, one that appreciated a good joke.

And now, he was experiencing love.

Then I thought about Bella, how she had first been the embarrassed, shy, quiet, brave girl that had captured Edward's heart. She was still just as brave, but now she was bolder, stronger, and perfectly at ease with our family. Vampire or not, she was one of us: A mate to Edward, A daughter to Carlisle and I, and a sister to Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rose.

She should be able to experience all of the factors of love. She should be with Edward. She should stay with us.

We love her.

I love her, I thought, She is my daughter.

She is my daughter, and this is what she wants. I will help her.

I took a deep breath, and smiled. I said yes.


End file.
